


Maintenance Issues

by fourteenlines



Category: Farscape, Friends (TV)
Genre: Crack, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:01:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22253104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourteenlines/pseuds/fourteenlines
Summary: They said it couldn't be done!  They said it shouldn't be done!  And they were probably right.  Nevertheless, I present you with...this highly ill-advised Farscape/Friends crossover.  For the Pairing List That Ate Fandom.
Comments: 3





	Maintenance Issues

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted circa 2004.

There were noises coming from Pilot's Den, and not the kind that one could reasonably expect. Some kind of low rumbling or murmuring, a voice maybe, and Pilot speaking in what could only be his native tongue.

John palmed open the door; it swung forward silently, and he peered through. The sight was somewhat alarming. Pilot looked like he was...maybe having convulsions? His eyes were closed, nostrils flared, and his four big claw-like hands tightly gripped the edge of his console.

"Whoa, Pilot, you okay?"

Abruptly, the low murmuring sound stopped, and Pilot opened his eyes. The convulsing stopped. He almost looked...embarrassed.

"Oh! Commander Crichton. I did not, eh...see you come in."

"'Course you didn't, Pilot. You had your eyes closed."

Presumably drawn by the sound of conversation, Chiana came strolling through the door. "Hey, what's going on in here?"

There was a loud metallic crash from somewhere below Pilot's console, accompanied by several creative swear words in English. The new guy's voice floated up to them, tense and unhappy. "Could you people _be_ any nosier?"

John frowned. "Pilot...what's the new guy doing down in your connection cluster?"

Pilot looked panicked. "We...we were just taking care of some, well..."

" _Maintenance_ issues!" the new guy shouted.

"Yes. Maintenance issues." Pilot nodded.

"What maintenance issues? He just got here, he can't do any--"

Chiana had wandered over and peered down the ladder. She immediately recoiled. "Oh, _frell!_ That is totally beyond kinkoid!"

John paused. He looked at Pilot. He looked at Chiana. He barely managed to keep his lunch down.

He shouted to the new guy, "Okay man, if _Chiana's_ disgusted, you _know_ it's bad."

There were some rustling noises and the mortifying, tell-tale sound of a zipper. The new guy appeared at the top of the ladder, clothes askew and looking cranky.

"No, you don't understand, I was just..."

"Reducing fluid levels?" John said.

"No!"

"Accidentally took off your pants?" Chiana asked.

"No!"

"Well, then, we're curious. What were you 'just' doing?"

"Yes," Pilot said, narrowing his eyes. "What were you 'just' doing?"

The new guy ruffled his hair endearingly and looked helplessly at Pilot for a moment. Seeing no support from that corner, he pointed forcefully at the floor. " _That's_ it." He seemed to grope for an argument, but evidently all he could come up with was, "I don't have to take this anymore!" He turned to walk out of Pilot's chamber.

"Seriously, man," John called after him, "are you _that_ desperate for a lay?"

"I'VE HAD WORSE!"

Pilot glared at John and Chiana. "In the future," he said coldly, "I would appreciate it if you would stay _away_ when I have the door closed."

John started backing out of the chamber, looking nervously for signs of angry DRDs. "Hey, Pilot, no problem."

He turned tail and ran.


End file.
